Curry Contest

Many years back I remember reading this and almost wet myself from laughter while reading it! Thanks to a colleague who passed it on today (since we had a curry for lunch) I thought it appropriate to post and share with you – thanks Asser.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a curry cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge 3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America. Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”. Here are the scorecard notes from the event.

Curry Contest 1-8


Judge 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge 3 (Frank) — Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.


Judge 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge 2 — Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Judge 1 — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge 2 — A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting p*ssed from all the beer.


Judge 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Judge 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Scr*w them.


Judge 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore I need to wipe my ar*e with a snow cone ice-cream.


Judge 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing – it’s too painful. Scr*w it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge 3 – No Report


7 Responses to “Curry Contest”

  1. fecknusername Says:

    Judge 3 reviews make me long for my granny’s cooking. She follows each mouthful of food with a bite of a whole green chillie. When we complain about the heat of her cooking she says we are a disgrace to the Indian blood that runs through our veins. The woman is a nutter. I love her to bits. I want curry for supper!!

  2. This is the funniest shit I’ve read this week…thanks for sharing this gem.

  3. @fecknusername – LOL, remember heritage is important – I enjoy hot foods but when I need to take a shower while eating, then it’s a tad too hot for me 🙂

    @this buddy of mine – you’re welcome

  4. You know, I’d normally make the curries I make as hot as these, but then the people I cook for complain. Hey, can I help it if they have undeveloped taste buds?

  5. @fayyaad – reminds me of the phrase “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen” 🙂

  6. lol! this is great! thanks for the post!

    I love hot stuffs, the burn, and the inevitable tears. I am horribly dissapointed in nandos overe here in London – i can eat extra hot without even a smirk or a “oohah” … very dissappointing.

    my favourite hot memories: eating nandos on kloof street when there is high humidity (the humidity seems to make it worse-or better-and i ended up crying) and ordering the hot dish from cattle baron (the dish’s name slips my mind now); we were meeting at fayyaad’s place the one evening, and he got some from the cattle baron in cavendish … gheesh was that hot! but well worth it!

  7. @S – you’re welcome, sharing is caring. I think on a scale of 1-10 I’ve probably never gone hotter than about a 5.

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